Kids whose parents have split up and are co-parenting well after separating are lucky. It isn’t always easy to share children with an ex. Sometimes things can get downright nasty, but hopefully, most parents do their best to make things work for the kids’ sake.
A mom posted in Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable forum about planning for holidays with her ex. They’ve managed to keep things civil and share time with their children equally. There is no formal agreement in place in terms of custody, but their system has worked so far.
Now that Christmas is coming, the original poster’s ex is starting to give her grief about who will have the children over the holiday weekend. She wants to know if she is being unreasonable for not wanting to share her time.
The couple broke up after the husband’s affair, but they get along fine.
OP explained that she and her husband separated more than three years ago after he had an affair. So far, they have been able to spend time with their kids equally, and everyone is happy.
“We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids,” she explained. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. (The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?
For the last few years, the kids have spent most of their holiday time with OP’s ex.
OP’s former mother-in-law’s birthday is on Christmas Eve, and for the last several years, the kids have spent most of that day with them.
“They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad,” she wrote.
“I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.”
Of course, a mom wants to be with her kids on Christmas. That isn’t so hard to understand.
Lucky for her, OP’s kids are scheduled to be with her for Christmas this year.
OP is excited because Christmas Eve falls on a weekend this year, and it’s her weekend. She checked with the kids and her ex and ex-MIL, and everyone agreed that OP would have the kids from December 24 to 27. But then, the ex flipped the script.
“Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them. For a couple of hours Xmas day … and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve … both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel,” she wrote.
OP told them no way. The kids are with her this year. Now she wonders if she is in the wrong.
“But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year,” she asked.
What’s fair is fair. It’s OP’s weekend.
Some people say OP doesn’t owe her ex any favors without a formal custody agreement. The two have been working things out this way for a long time, so why should she have to change now?
“Stick to your guns. I’ve been where you are,” one person suggested. “You deserve an undisturbed Christmas with your children too. Don’t let them intrude. You’ve been more than accommodating, but it’s time to stand your ground.”
Others think that OP needs to be flexible.
Has OP forgotten that even though it was for a small amount of time, she did actually get to see her kids for Christmas the last few years?
“You still saw them for a few hours Christmas day. So I’d at least allow your ex a couple of hours on the day itself,” someone pointed out. “You have them 24th to 27th but let ex pick them up for a few hours on the 25th and then drop them back to you. Whatever hours work best around your plans.”
“Initially I thought yanbu until other posters pointed out that you did get to see the kids Christmas day in the years he has had them. Could that not be accommodated for dad on Christmas day?” another person asked.
“It is unreasonable to expect children not to see both parents at Christmas, it’s not about the adults. I am a mediator and absolutely loathe the Christmas tussle, it seems to bring out everyone’s inner asshole,” someone else commented.
People want OP and her ex to come up with a better plan.
Instead of shuffling kids from place to place and using them like pawns, commenters suggested that OP work out a better plan.
“Christmas is a season, not a day. And kids are people, not possessions. Passing them around so that everyone gets the turn they feel entitled to on specific day of the year (which is supposed to be the most fun and magical for children) is a lot crap,” one person wrote. “I’d ask to rotate every other year so that the children get a good run at a lovely Christmas with each parent and sack off this ridiculous pass the parcel nonsense, starting this year.”
“Start now with alternating Christmas and new year. Makes it easier and more fair all round,” another comment reads.
“After 3 and half years of spending very little time with your kids I would make a stand this year. Your eldest child is old enough for his views to be taken into consideration,” another person asserted.
OP, you should be cautious.
People online think you need to tread lightly on this one. Having the kids for a few days may seem like a good idea now. People understand that as their mom, you want your kids with you, but they also agree that you must be reasonable and fair as a co-parent and not lead with your heart.
“I think this will bite you on the bum when Christmas falls on your ex’s weekend in future. Your going to want to see them for a couple of hours and he has every right to say no,” one Mumsnet user pointed out.
That person very well could be right.